Coaching Staff to Grow

The fastest way to mess up a leadership 1:1 is to be in the wrong mode for the situation. The JLK leader fluidly moves between three modes — but knows which one they're in at any moment.

Telling — you have the answer, the situation is urgent, the stakes are high. "Stop. The keypad code rotated yesterday, use the new one." Right mode when the answer is binary and time-critical.

Mentoring — you have experience the staff member doesn't, and you're sharing it for their benefit. "When I started here, I made the same mistake with the snack rota. Here's what I learnt." Right mode when sharing experience helps them avoid a known pitfall.

Coaching — you don't tell, you ask. You hand the thinking back to them. "What do you think might work here? What have you already tried? What's getting in the way?" Right mode when the staff member needs to own the solution, not just execute yours.

The JLK default for routine 1:1s and development conversations is coaching. The exceptions (telling, mentoring) earn their place by being the right mode for the moment.

How to tell which mode you should be in:

• If safety, compliance or law is on the line → tell.
• If they're genuinely missing knowledge only you have → mentor.
• If they need to grow capability rather than just solve today's problem → coach.
• If you're tired and want to be done quickly → you'll be tempted to tell. Resist.

💡 JLK practice standard: coaching is the default. The other modes earn their place by being genuinely the right mode — not by being faster.

• I can distinguish telling, mentoring and coaching as modes
• I know coaching is the JLK default for development conversations
• I will resist telling when I'm tired and want to be done quickly

Most coaching conversations at JLK use the same four questions, in the same order. The order matters — each one builds on the last.

1. "What's on your mind?"
   Open. Lets them set the agenda. Avoid leaping in with what you want to talk about. If they don't have anything — that's information too. "How are you feeling about the room this week?" works as a softer version.
2. "What have you already tried?"
   Almost every problem they bring already has some attempted solution behind it. Asking this respects their effort and surfaces what's been ruled out. If they've tried nothing yet, that's where the conversation goes — gently.
3. "What's the real challenge for you here?"
   The magic question. Most first-mentioned problems aren't the real problem. The real challenge is usually one layer down — "I don't want to upset Maria", "I'm not sure I can hold the line", "I think the team would push back". You can't solve a real challenge until it's named.
4. "What would good look like in a week's time?"
   Pushes them to picture a small, concrete next step. Not a six-month plan — what's the smallest visible change by next Friday. Then ask what they need to make that happen.

Then: silence. After each question. Count to 10 silently. The first answer is the polite one; the real answer comes after the pause.

What NOT to do:

• Ask "have you thought about…?" — that's telling dressed up as a question.
• Answer your own question if they go quiet for 4 seconds.
• Add your suggestion at the end of every coaching question. ("What's the real challenge? Is it that you don't feel confident?" — no. Just the question.)
• Use coaching to disguise a telling conversation.
• Coach when the staff member is in genuine distress — switch to support mode.

🎯 The 10-second silence rule: after each coaching question, count to 10 silently. If you can't bear the silence, look down at your notebook — gives them permission to think.

• I can name the four JLK coaching questions in order
• I will not add "have you thought about…?" leading suggestions
• I will hold 10 seconds of silence after each coaching question
• I know when to switch from coaching to support if a staff member is in distress

Coaching is harder than telling. It also breaks down predictably. Knowing the failure modes is half the skill.

Failure mode 1: "I don't know."
The staff member says "I don't know" to every question. Often because: they think you want a specific answer, or they're worried about being wrong, or they're tired. Recover with: "That's fair. Take a moment. What would you say if you did know?" Almost always produces an answer.

Failure mode 2: They want you to fix it.
They came expecting telling-mode and you've gone coaching-mode. Recover with: "I'm going to resist solving this for you, because I think it's a great chance for you to work it out — and I'd rather you owned the answer. Where do you want to start?" Names what you're doing so it doesn't feel cold.

Failure mode 3: You keep slipping into telling.
You ask a question, they pause, you fill the silence with an answer. The whole conversation becomes a monologue with question-marks. Recover by literally writing "STOP TALKING" at the top of your notebook. Look at it.

Failure mode 4: You're coaching when you should be telling.
Safety, conduct, or compliance is in play, and you've slid into coaching as a way to avoid the hard message. Recover by switching modes explicitly: "I'm going to step out of coaching for a moment — this part is a clear ask: [the thing]. Then we can go back to working through how."

Failure mode 5: You're tired and just want the conversation done.
Coaching takes more energy than telling. Some 1:1s should genuinely be rescheduled. Recover by being honest: "I'm running on empty today and I want to give this conversation the attention it deserves — can we move it to tomorrow?" Better than a half-hearted version.

🛠️ The honest recovery move: when coaching is breaking down, naming what's happening to the staff member almost always fixes it. They're not stupid; they're watching too.

• I know to ask "what would you say if you did know?" when stuck on "I don't know"
• I have the language for naming when I'm resisting solving for them
• I will explicitly switch modes when safety / conduct is in play
• I will reschedule a 1:1 rather than do a half-hearted version when tired

Scenario: Funmi is the Room Leader at JLK Croydon's toddler room. Apprentice Maya, 8 weeks into her placement, has been quiet in the room. The other staff have flagged that Maya isn't initiating activities, defers constantly, looks lost. Funmi has booked a 25-minute 1:1.

The telling version (don't do this):
"Maya, the team have said you're not initiating in the room. I need you to start leading more activities. Take charge of the messy play this morning. Step up at snack time. Yeah?"

Result: Maya nods, leaves feeling worse, doesn't change much. The underlying lack of confidence isn't addressed.

The coaching version:

Funmi: "What's on your mind, Maya?" [Long pause — 8 seconds.]

Maya: "Honestly? I feel like I'm always in the way. I don't know when to step in."

Funmi: [Doesn't reassure. Doesn't fix.] "What have you already tried?"

Maya: "I tried setting up the messy play tray on Wednesday but Sade had already prepped it, so I just stood there."

Funmi: "Got it. So what's the real challenge for you here?"

Maya: [Pause.] "I don't want to step on the qualified staff. I'm worried about getting it wrong. I think I'm waiting for permission."

Funmi: [Doesn't say "you don't need permission" — that's telling.] "What would good look like in a week's time?"

Maya: [Thinking.] "I'd have led at least one transition each day — like the line-up for the garden, or the tidy-up song. Small bits, but mine."

Funmi: "That sounds great. What do you need from me to make that happen?"

Maya: "Maybe just… you naming to the team that I'm going to be leading those bits this week? So they know to step back."

Funmi: "Done. I'll bring it up at morning brief tomorrow."

What Funmi did right:

• Asked all four questions in order. Held the pauses.
• Didn't reassure Maya prematurely — let her sit with the discomfort and name the real challenge.
• Didn't offer a solution — let Maya generate hers.
• Closed with a small, concrete next step Maya owns.
• Said yes immediately to the one thing Maya needed from her.

The 25-minute conversation produced more than 6 months of "you need to step up more" would have. And Maya leaves it feeling capable, not criticised.

Reflection prompt: Pick the next 1:1 in your diary. Plan the first 4 questions you'll ask, in order. Don't plan the answers — that's Maya's job.

• I've planned the four coaching questions for my next 1:1