Difficult Conversations Done Well

If you imagine the difficult conversation you've been putting off — whose timing has now passed three times — you'll already know the cost of avoidance:

• The team notices the missed standard. They don't notice you've decided not to address it — they notice that it's not being addressed. They draw the conclusion that the standard isn't real.
• The person involved gets no chance to fix it. They might be glad to know. They might be embarrassed they didn't realise. Either way, they can't change what you won't name.
• Your respect for them quietly erodes. Avoidance feels kind. It isn't. It's a slow withdrawal of confidence.
• The eventual conversation is harder. Three months of unaddressed becomes a list. Lists feel like ambush.
• You burn through your own goodwill. Avoidance is taxing. The conversation you owe is sitting in your head taking up energy that could be doing other things.

The JLK rule: if you've noticed something worth addressing, you have about 5 working days to address it before it becomes a much harder conversation.

The "would I be having this conversation if I respected them" test:

If the answer is no — the conversation is required. Withholding feedback from someone you respect is a form of disrespect.

What the conversation is NOT:

• It is not a disciplinary — unless it genuinely is, in which case it follows HR process.
• It is not a character judgement — you're addressing behaviour, not naming the person as the problem.
• It is not a venting session for your frustration.
• It is not a meeting where you decide what they should think.

💡 JLK practice standard: raise it in 5 days, calmly. Save the formal route for the issues that genuinely need it.

• I understand the cost of avoiding a difficult conversation
• I know the JLK 5-day rule for raising noticed issues
• I will apply the "would I have this conversation if I respected them" test
• I will address behaviour, not character

The structure JLK leaders use for every difficult conversation:

1. S — Situation. Concrete, factual, dated. "Yesterday morning at drop-off, you were on your phone behind the welcome desk when the Patel family came in."
2. B — Behaviour. What you observed, in the third person if it helps. "The phone was visible. You looked up after about 8 seconds when Mum coughed." Description, not interpretation.
3. I — Impact. What that behaviour caused. "Mum mentioned it to me afterwards — her words were 'it felt like we'd walked into a shop where nobody noticed us'. That's not the JLK welcome." This is the only opinion in the conversation.
4. N — Next. What needs to be different, and what you're asking for. "Phones live in the staff room during shift — that's the JLK rule. Going forward, I need it to stay there. Are we clear on the ask?"

What's in each part:

Situation is the date, time and place. Anchors the conversation in a real moment, not a vague pattern.

Behaviour is what was observed — ideally by you, not third-hand. If it's third-hand, name the source. Avoid words like "always", "never", "you tend to". Stick to this observed instance.

Impact is the bit that makes the message land. It's what the behaviour cost — to a child, a family, the team, or the standard itself. Without impact, you're just describing.

Next is the ask. What you want to happen going forward, and whether they need anything from you to make it happen. Always specific.

The whole conversation should be 5–10 minutes, not 45. The shorter version respects them; the long one is usually about you.

What NOT to do:

• Sandwich feedback. "You're great. The phone thing was bad. You're great." The message disappears between the slices. Don't.
• Multiple issues at once. One conversation, one issue. Stack issues = ambush.
• Bring up things from 3 months ago. Either address now or let it go.
• Mind-read. "I know what you're going to say…" Don't. Ask.
• Demand agreement on the spot. They may need a beat. Give it.

📋 JLK script template: Situation (when + where) · Behaviour (what you observed) · Impact (what it cost) · Next (what you're asking for). 5–10 mins total.

• I can name the four parts of SBI-N in order
• I will not use sandwich feedback
• I will keep difficult conversations to 5–10 minutes, not 45
• I will address one issue per conversation, not stack them

If you deliver a difficult conversation well, you'll get one of a small number of reactions. Each has a calm JLK response.

Reaction: tears.
Quite common, especially for staff who care. Don't panic, don't backpedal. Slow down. "Take a moment. I'm not in a rush." Push a tissue across the desk. Wait. When they're ready, ask: "Is there anything underneath this you want to talk about?" Often there is — and it's not about your feedback at all.

Reaction: defensiveness ("that's not what happened").
Don't argue the facts. Acknowledge their view: "I hear you saw it differently. Let me check what I observed: at 9:15, the phone was visible at the desk. Is that part true?" Strip it back to the one fact that matters. If they still deny it, you may need a witness or the manager — but most defensiveness softens once the specific factual question is asked.

Reaction: denial / minimising ("it was only once").
"Okay — let's treat this as the only time, then. Even just once, the impact was [X]. So the ask is the same: we need it not to happen again." Don't get drawn into a frequency argument.

Reaction: counter-attack ("well, you do X").
"I'd like to talk about that — properly — in a different conversation. Right now I want us to land this one. Can we come back to my thing first?" If their counter is genuine, schedule a separate slot for it. Don't let one conversation become two unresolved ones.

Reaction: silence.
Let it sit. 10–15 seconds. Then: "What's going through your head?" Don't fill the silence with reassurance.

Reaction: "I'm going to resign."
Don't engage with the resignation in the moment. "I really hear that this has landed hard. I'd rather we both sleep on it before any decisions. Let's meet again tomorrow." Almost always, with the sleep, things look different.

After the conversation:

• Send a short follow-up email same day. Documents what was discussed, what was agreed. Two paragraphs. No editorial.
• Diary-check in 2 weeks for an informal "how's it going" follow-up.
• If the behaviour repeats, the next conversation is a formal performance discussion — not a third casual one.

🎯 The principle: stay warm AND clear. Most leaders sacrifice one for the other. Both, always.

• I know how to respond if a staff member cries during the conversation
• I know how to defuse defensiveness without arguing
• I will schedule a separate slot if they counter-attack with their own concern
• I will send a short follow-up email same day documenting what was discussed

Scenario: Folake, Manager at JLK Bromley, needs to address punctuality with Aisha, a Senior Practitioner. Aisha has been 10–20 minutes late three times in the last two weeks. The room covers but it's noticed.

The JLK SBI-N conversation:

Folake: "Aisha, thanks for staying back. Quick 10 minutes — nothing big, but I wanted to flag something while it's still small."

"Situation: in the last two weeks — the 14th, 19th, and 23rd — you've arrived between 8:10 and 8:20. Behaviour: each time, the morning shift was already down to Sade and Maya covering greeting and the first nappies. Impact: it means the room runs on lower numbers for those first 20 minutes, and Sade has flagged she's finding it harder to do a proper welcome with parents."

"Next: the ask is for 8:00 starts to be the default again. If something's making that consistently hard — transport, family stuff — I want to know so we can think about it. But the punctuality itself needs to come back to where it was."

[Folake stops. Doesn't add more. Looks at Aisha.]

Aisha: [Long pause.] "Yeah. You're right. Honestly, my mum's been ill and I've been doing her morning meds before I leave. I should have flagged it. I'll sort the timing better."

Folake: "I'm sorry to hear that. Two thoughts — if it helps for the next couple of weeks, we could shift your start to 8:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays so you've got the buffer. And separately, would you want a chat with HR about flexible working if this is going to be ongoing?"

Aisha: "Tuesday/Thursday at 8:30 would actually really help. Yes please."

Folake: "Done — I'll set it up from Monday. And we'll meet again in two weeks just to check in. Thanks for being honest with me."

Within the hour, Folake sends:

"Hi Aisha — quick recap of just now. We talked about your start times over the last fortnight. From Monday, your start time on Tuesdays and Thursdays will move to 8:30 to give you the buffer for your mum's morning meds. Other days remain 8:00. Diaried a 15-min check-in for [date in 2 weeks]. Thanks again for the conversation. F"

What Folake did right:

• Opened by signalling small, not big — reduces the cortisol response.
• Used SBI-N cleanly: dates, behaviour, impact, ask.
• Held the silence and let Aisha respond.
• Listened to the underlying cause without dismissing the ask.
• Offered practical help WITHOUT abandoning the ask.
• Diary-checked in 2 weeks.
• Sent the follow-up email same day — documentation without making it heavy.

Reflection prompt: Is there a difficult conversation you've been avoiding for more than 5 days? Draft the SBI-N right now, then book the slot.

• I've drafted SBI-N for a conversation I've been avoiding, or confirmed I have none right now